It's a matter of settling the earthly matters before I leave, really.

Today, my flash drive corrupted. I have three days to try to complete the projects I spent weeks on. Just another sign that my being here isn't right.

It's good, though. This has finally set in motion a sequence of events that have long been overdue.

I want to tidy up my existence. Tuck in all the corners, tie the loose ends. Leave in a carefully wrapped package.

The problem is that it's a hard thing to figure out; life is unwieldy. It's like trying to untangle a knot, or more, knots knotted together. You don't know where to start, how to start, or if it's even possible to work out all the kinks.

But if you work at it patiently, continually tug at the string, looping and pulling and sorting, eventually, the knots work themselves out.

That's what I need to do. Sort out the knots; the who's, the what's, the why's of my life.

Then when I'm done, I can breathe a sigh of relief and let go. Finally breathe, pure air, and not this smog thick with ideals and scripts and expectations.

I don't know why it's so hard to let go of life sometimes. Like when it comes to the end, you have to wonder if you'd be able to do it. Pull the trigger, step into air, leap in front of a hungry train.

When in reality, millions of people have faced this decision, and gone through with it. Just like that. In an instant, gone, forever dead.

If they can do it, so can I.